


you can think that you're in love

by CatsProbably



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Ashfur is a stalker, Brambleclaw is abusive, Gen, Leafpool and Squirrelflight are close, No Beta, Squirrelflight is doing what she thinks is moral, Takes place between Midnight and Long Shadows, in this house we dont victim-blame, unedited, we die like warriors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:54:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28401228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatsProbably/pseuds/CatsProbably
Summary: 'I was right.'Perhaps it was the wrong thing to be focusing on when the fire was scorching, nearly licking at the pelts of her kits. She should be thinking of how to get them out of this situation, and maybe it was selfish to feel that cooling wave of relief crashing over her. She wasn't crazy: Ashfur stood there, blocking the path of safety for her beloved kits, eyes icy with stoic hatred. She wasn't paranoid, she wasn't jealous, or taking things out-of-control, or making something out of nothing. She wasn't regretting her choice in mate, nor was she looking for attention.She was right.
Relationships: Brambleclaw/Squirrelflight (Warriors), Leafpool & Squirrelflight (Warriors), Shrewpaw/Squirrelflight (Warriors)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	you can think that you're in love

Ashfur gave Squirrelpaw a weird feeling. Sure, the warrior was Dustpelt's former apprentice, but did he have to tag along to every patrol the two of them went on? On top of that, the warrior sometimes bossed her around as if he were her mentor!

_'Well, he isn't!'_

Lashing her tail, the new apprentice pushes ahead of the two warriors, ignoring Dustpelt's annoyed call. She was going to hunt alone, and bring back more prey than Ashfur. Maybe _that_ will finally discourage the tom from tagging along with her everywhere. At least he wasn't _Brambleclaw_ , who strode around camp like he was leader already, but Ashfur was almost too kind to her. It was... stifling.

Squirrelpaw draws ahead so far that she runs into her mothers' border patrol: Sandstorm was checking the RiverClan scent line with Cloudtail, Brightheart and Sorrelpaw, who was chattering away with Leafpaw. Squirrelpaw's tail sticks straight at the sight of her sister, her mouth stuffed with herbs as she nods along to the elder apprentice: Sorrelpaw's apprentice ceremony was soon, and Squirrelpaw was, admittedly, jealous.

_'Just you wait until I'm a warrior too!'_

She was going to be one of the greatest leaders in Clan history!

"Honestly, Squirrelpaw, can't you listen to a single instruction?" Dustpelt grumbles, pushing into view with Ashfur close behind. Squirrelpaw doesn't let his irritated words infect her bad mood.

"I'm just tired of how slow you were going," she defends. "I want to hunt!"

Dustpelt's eyes narrow. "Fine. Since you're so eager to get started, you can run along and hunt for the elders. After they've been fed, you can clean their bedding and check their pelt for ticks."

Leafpaw's eyes flicker over, sympathetic, but following their mother, and sticking next to her friend as Sorrelpaw was shushed by Sandstorm. Once Dustpelt decided on something, there was no convincing him otherwise.

Squirrelpaw's tail droops, and she scuffs the earth, annoyed. Was it so wrong to want to hunt? Isn't that the point of a hunting patrol? That they split up and try to catch as much as possible, as quickly as possible?

It's a surprise, when she feels Ashfur's tail trails along her spine, his voice sympathetic as he leans closer. "I'll help you with that," he offers. Dustpelt opens his mouth, clearly about to admonish the warrior for offering to help his apprentice with her punishment, but Squirrelpaw beats him to it, drawing away with a hiss.

"I don't need help with such an easy task," she snaps, whirling and charging away, trying to shake off how itchy Ashfur's touch and voice made her feel.

* * *

"You were kind of harsh on him."

"You can't blame him for having a crush on you."

"Well, you have to consider that it will take him time to get over you: you did lead him on."

"I would never jump from tom to tom like that."

Squirrelflight pretended not to notice the murmurs that were whispered behind her back, and refused to address the questions and opinions that others brought to her face. Even though she wanted to explode. _We were never mates_! If Ashfur took her friendship to mean mateship, that wasn't her fault!

Instead, she grabs a rabbit and stomps off to eat next to her sister. Throwing the prey down, she sits with a huff. Leafpool traces a tail along her side.

"They'll find something else to talk about," She soothes. Squirrelflight sees red as she glares down at the dead rabbit.

"They all think it's my fault!" She rants, claws unsheathing and digging into the soft flesh. "Not a single cat is gossiping about Ashfur, or putting any blame on him, when _he_ was the one to take things too far in his head!" Leafpool murmurs her agreement, nudging closer to press against her sister. Squirrelflight relaxes a bit, noticing Brambleclaw entering the camp with relief. Her mate would put these rumors and mutterings to rest!

She watches the tabby talk to Brackenfur and Dustpelt, before he nods and searches for Squirrelflight, padding over.

"Can you at least try to not be the center of attention?" He asks wearily, sitting down. Squirrelflight feels taken aback for a moment.

"What do you want me to do?" She demands, her fur prickling. Leafpool stares at Brambleclaw, eyes unreadable. "I'm not asking for them to gossip about me!"

"You could try talking to Ashfur, to make it look like you're friends again after the rejection."

"We were never _mates_ , Brambleclaw: there wasn't a _rejection_! All I told him was that I wanted to stay as friends, he's the one who took things farther!"

"It isn't just your pelt on the line, Squirrelflight. Cats are going to start talking about me, too-"

"What, you'd rather throw _me_ onto the thunderpath and apologize for something I never did, just so that people don't start maybe talking about you? In case you haven't noticed, they've been talking about _me_ for a moon, saying some fox-hearted shit-"

"I don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to-"

"Things will calm down soon," Leafpool interjects their argument, Squirrelflights fluffed fur starting to draw some attention. "Let the situation run its course. A little words won't harm you, Brambleclaw, and it isn't Squirrelflight's fault that the situation is being misunderstood by our clanmates. Forcing her to talk to Ashfur would only stroke the flames."

"Yeah," The ginger she-cat mumbles, tail lashing.

Brambleclaw just gives a grunt, pushing himself to his feet and wandering away. Leafpool watches him go, before turning to look at Squirrelflight. 

"Are you sure you two are happy as mates?" She half-jokes, and Squirrelflight shakes herself off.

"He only gets grumpy like that when he's stressed," she defends, ear flicking. "Besides, StarClan themselves sent you that vision, proving we're meant to be together."

She doesn't say it, but she wishes that she could still feel that warmth and closeness as fiercely as she did during their journey. She suspects that Leafpool still sees it in her eyes, so Squirrelflight glances away.

She wasn't an apprentice anymore. Things changed when you became a warrior, and this was just one of them. Every relationship had problems, every pair of mates had arguments.

* * *

The snow was whipping around them as the two sisters gently herds the kits onwards, towards the camp. Squirrelflight noses Hollykit, the poor thing only a few days old, but they had no choice: any longer, and Leafpool would be missed.

_'Firestar has probably already gathered a number of patrols to look for us,'_ she thinks, fur rippling uneasily.

She wasn't sure if this was going to work. If the Clan rejected the idea of these kits being hers outright, Leafpool would lose her position, and ThunderClan would be without a medicine cat. _Perhaps_ _that's best._ Leafpool would be able to raise the kits herself, actively be their mother. As the thought swirls in her head, however, she feels a swell of guilt. Serving ThunderClan as their medicine cat meant everything to Leafpool - especially since the death of Cinderpelt. The light brown tabby had given up everything to keep the promise to her former mentor: and she continued to do so now.

As for Squirrelflight... she had never wanted kits, not this young. She had always wanted to focus on her ambitions, even if they seemed out of reach now, with Brambleclaw having assumed the position of deputy seasons prior. _Brambleclaw_...

Great StarClan, how would she tell him? She would have to get him alone, she muses as she picks Lionkit up by the scruff of his neck when he stumbles. One look backwards confirms that Jaykit was alright, Leafpool having stopped to allow the tiny tom to catch up, before she takes him in her mouth as well.

Squirrelflight could feel Leafpool's pain like her own: the crushing anxiety, the fear for herself and her sister... and the conflicting, nearly overwhelming sense of love for these kits. The kits she couldn't possibly keep.

How could Squirrelflight leave her sister to suffer alone? They were closer than most - and they shared blood. They've been through so much, and Leafpool was always there for her when Brambleclaw lashed out, or she was fighting with her mate.

Her sigh puffs visually through the air, frosting immediately. When Hollykit starts to lag behind again, Squirrelflight scoops her up, carrying her, trusting Lionkit to trudge on. They were nearly at the hollow, anyway. There, she would be stuffed into the nursery for the next six moons...

Despite her convictions, her fur crawls. _I'm doing this for Leafpool..._

She would do anything for her sister.

* * *

Predictably, the clan was in an uproar, confused and worried as Squirrelflight brings the kits in, Leafpool stumbling behind them. Two pairs of eyes, one amber and one blue, stare her down as she explains what happened.

_I was out hunting when I started the kitting. I was lucky that Leafpool was near me, and we couldn't move until the kits could make the journey._

The questions came from all directions: Why didn't you look pregnant? Why did you keep it a secret? Are the kits healthy? Leafpool winds around her and the kits, pushing the crowd off and insisting that Squirrelflight needs to rest, that the kits need to warm up. Finally, she forces a path through the crowd, herding the new "family" towards the nursery, when a dark tabby pelt steps into the path.

Squirrelflight can feel the slight flash of irritation from Leafpool, her sister trying to supress her own feelings about Squirrelflight's mate.

"Why didn't you tell me you were expecting?" He demands, looking past Leafpool to shoot through Squirrelflight with his eyes. That look always encourages a swell of shame, and she feels it trickle through her now.

"I... didn't want- I wanted to surprise you," she offers weakly, exhausted from the trek, unable to reassure her mate in the way that she usually would.

"She just gave birth to kits away from camp," Leafpool interjects sharply, when Brambleclaw opens his mouth to argue. The deputy seems to realize something, and he closes his mouth and looks down at the kits, his expression softening dramatically.

"Right. We can talk later," he says to Squirrelflight, before bounding away and helping to dispel the crowd. Leafpool physically shields her sister as they finally make it back to the nursery.

"Oh, look how they're shivering, the poor scraps!" Daisy gasps, as Ferncloud comes up on the ginger she-cat's other side, gently guiding her to a freshly made nest.

"Come, lay down," she encourages, helping to scoop the little kits into the nest beside her. "Isn't Brambleclaw lucky to have three beautiful kits?" The pale queen purrs, getting them settled. "What are their names?"

_What are their names_? Why hadn't Brambleclaw asked that question first? Putting her head in her paws, she watches Leafpool swish out, no doubt to fetch her some borage and strengthening herbs. "The gray tabby is Jaykit, the black she-kit is Hollykit, and the golden tabby is Lionkit," she murmurs, tired. Daisy purrs, licking her ear.

"Those are lovely names," she compliments.

The entrance rustles, and Squirrelflight lifts her head, hoping to see Brambleclaw's familiar face, or her sister's soft expression. Instead, she feels ice trickle through her from her ears to her tail. Ashfur slips inside the den, drawing towards his sister to touch noses with her, but his icy eyes never leave Squirrelflight.

Blue meets green, and the two stare at each other for a long time, the moment only broken when Leafpool re-enters the nursery with some herbs. She throws a suspicious look towards the gray tom, and he backs off brushing against Squirrelflight's pelt as he passes.

She feels ill.

* * *

Squirrelflight picks her way through the snow, her mate following close behind. In the three moons since Leafpool and her brought the kits back to the hollow, she hasn't had the chance to be alone with the deputy, in order to explain the situation to him.

_But there was time now._

The kits were being watched by Ferncloud and Daisy, who have been a huge help. Ferncloud, especially, had stepped forward when Squirrelflight was unable to provide any milk for the three kits. Her fur prickles when she worries about their wellbeing. While no external threats could possibly get through those two queens... internal threats were a different story.

Ashfur has been watching them. Not obviously, and if it weren't for Leafpool's reassurance, she would believe she was being paranoid. When she was out, watching Hollykit, Lionkit and Jaykit play in the melting snow, she notices how his eyes will be slits, watching from the tumble of rocks in the camp. Or he'll be sitting with the new warrior Whitewing, sharing tongues, his blue eyes wandering to her. She even caught him climbing down the tumble of rocks from the high rock after talking to Firestar, his look unreadable as he stares at Lionkit. Whenever his fur brushes hers, she has to fight the impulse to scratch that patch of fur out.

She can't sleep, not knowing where Ashfur was, what he was doing, what his plan was. She tried to bring this up to Brambleclaw before, but her mate doesn't like to talk about his old friend, preferring to keep him out of the conversation.

"What is this about?" Brambleclaw grunts, pulling her out of her thoughts. "I have to organize the dusk patrols, and you should be with the kits."

_The kits!_

Don't get her wrong, Squirrelflight loves those kits as though they were her own blood, but she's so tired of being defined by them. Cats used to refer to her by her strength as a warrior, her intelligence. Now, she was just the mother to these kits.

"I have to tell you something." She finds a suitable place, brushing the lingering snow away with her tail before she sits down, sigh heavy. Brambleclaw takes a moment to watch her before he settles as well, waiting silently. His silence sets her nerves alight, even with the sounds of the forest returnign with the approach of Newleaf. "Leafpool-"

The bare branches rustle, and Squirrelfligth whirls as Ashfur's gray pelt pushes into view. His blue eyes flicker between them, cold and un-readable: common these days.

"Brambleclaw, Firestar is looking for you," he reports flatly. Brambleclaw's ear flicks and he turns his amber gaze, too hot after Ashfur's icy one.

"Well? Say what you wanted to quickly," he urges. Squirrelflight feels a flash of panic. She can't tell her sisters' secret in front of the one cat that was looking for any excuse to ostracize her within the clan.

"...I..." She glances around, feeling rushed. "I want to move back into the warriors den," she substitutes, unhappy that she couldn't say what she came here to say.

Brambleclaw and Ashfur both look surprised, and her mate's voice held a hint of disapproval. "...If you think that's best," he says, unwilling to push her about her duty to the kits in front of a clanmate. When the ginger she-cat nods, Brambleclaw turns and follows Ashfur back to camp, leaving his mate to sit in the clearing.

...she couldn't tell Brambleclaw about the kits. Not with Ashfur watching her so closely, not with the possibility of her mates disapproval.

* * *

"...From this moment forward, you will be known as Lionpaw. Ashfur will be your mentor."

The swelling of pride is immediately overshadowed with fear as she watches the gray warrior step forward to accept the position as her son's mentor.

_No!_

Why on earth would Firestar-

A wave of certainty crashes over her as she remembers Ashfur's visit with her father when the kits were merely three moons old. What in the name of StarClan was he planning? What if he hurt Lionpaw? Images flash through her mind, and her gaze finds Leafpool's, Hollypaw sitting next to the medicine cat. Her sister's green eyes were also bright with anxiety, Lionpaw being her son in blood. They don't have time to exchange any solid words, as Jaykit stomps into the center of the clearing, demanding his own apprenticeship. 

Brambleclaw, however, notices their shared look, and after giving Leafpool a contemplative look, he turns to his mate. 

"Why do you look so ruffled?" He asks quietly, licking her ear. Squirrelflight, relieved, turns to share her thoughts with him, taking comfort in his fur.

"I don't like Ashfur being Lionpaw's mentor," she admits, as Firestar addresses Jaykit. She can feel it when Brambleclaw grows irritated, his tail tip flicking as he suppresses a sigh. 

"You need to get over this," he growls. "Ashfur has been nothing but loyal, and _he's_ clearly over the whole incident. You're the one that seems to be dragging it on."

Squirrelflight feels a flash of hurt and surprise. "But he's been watching the kits, and I'm scared he might-"

"Might what? Hurt Lionpaw? He's never done anything to hurt his clanmates in the past," Brambleclaw interrupts, clearly done with her worries.

"But-"

"Unless you regret choosing me as your mate, and you'd rather him," Brambleclaw accuses calmly eyes on their son as he becomes Jaypaw, and Brightheart steps forward.

The ginger she-cat feels like she's had claws raked across her face, Brambleclaw's words coming out of nowhere. _Is that what he thinks?_ She wants to wail that Ashfur has been visiting the nursery when the deputy was out of camp, watching them when they were outside, that Squirrelflight has caught him close to, or talking with, the kits when she gets back from patrols. "Of course not, but Brambelclaw, he-"

"Great." The tabby pushes to his feet and flicks Squirrelflight's ear with his tail, as if they had shared a light-hearted joke. Her head and her heart spun with confusion, helplessly watching him great their newly-apprenticed kits.

* * *

_"They fought like enemy warriors!_ "

Hollypaw's anxious report echoes in Squirrelflight's mind as she tries to fall asleep. Earlier, when Ashfur had marched into camp with Lionpaw, the apprentice bleeding and proudly puffed, while his mentor stared with hard eyes at him, Squirrelflight had nearly fainted with fright. _It was happening. Ashfur would kill her son._

It seems like the only cats in the clan that seemed bothered by the state of the mentor - apprentice duo were herself, Leafpool and Hollypaw. Guilt gnaws at her stomach as she remembers telling Hollypaw that Ashfur knew what he was doing, that he wouldn't hurt Lionpaw, hurt a clanmate. Hollypaw hadn't looked convinced: the young she-cat was so devoted to the warrior code, and Squirrelflight admired her for it. Hollypaw was sure to be leader one day, but perhaps that was just the mother in Squirrelflight that saw such a bright future for her.

She wanted to run to Firestar's den and beg for him to change Lionpaw's mentor, but she knew she was being paranoid, even making something out of nothing. Brambleclaw told her often enough that she stopped voicing her worries, and she didn't need her father to confirm those critiques. Besides, Lionpaw and Hollypaw were both so close to the end of their apprenticeships - there was no point in disrupting their lives now, when they would be warriors soon.

Sighing, Squirrelflight rolls in her nest, tucking her nose under her paws, and tries to fall asleep. She's on dawn patrol the next day, and she already knows that she's going to be exhausted.

* * *

_I was right._

Perhaps it was the wrong thing to be focusing on when the fire was scorching, nearly licking at the pelts of her kits. She should be thinking of how to get them out of this situation, and maybe it was selfish to feel that cooling wave of relief crashing over her. She wasn't crazy: Ashfur stood there, blocking the path of safety for her beloved kits, eyes icy with stoic hatred. She wasn't paranoid, she wasn't jealous, or taking things out-of-control, or making something out of nothing. She wasn't regretting her choice in mate, nor was she looking for attention.

Ashfur meant her harm. Admitting to stalking her, he was spitting with joy as he explains how he wishes to harm her.

Even with the relief, she can't ignore the situation. She had to do _something,_ or they would die. When the idea comes to her, she can't breath.

They were going to hate her. They might never look at her as their mother again, but she can live with her own kits despising her, as long as _they_ _live._

"They aren't my kits."

Later, after her kits lashed out at her, denouncing her as their mother, and after Brambleclaw snaps at her for not being more careful and endangering Jayfeather, Lionblaze and Hollyleaf, Squirrelflight limps to Leafpool, who welcomes her with warmth.

No matter what happens, she always finds comfort in her sister, who accepts her without judgement. Grief wells up, and Leafpool touches their noses together, sharing her pain.

* * *

Maybe she should be feeling something more, but she couldn't muster even an ounce of emotion. No joy, no grief, no sadness or regret. Just a numbing acceptance.

Ashfur was dead, and he couldn't harm her anymore.

Did that make her a horrible warrior? Shouldn't she feel pain for a lost clanmate, and one that she used to consider a friend? But how could she, when he made her anxious and harmed her for countless seasons? When he tried to kill her kits, tried to force her to mate with him? Guilted her and, when that didn't work, spread rumors about her? When she lost everything because of him? 

_What does Shrewpaw think of me, watching me from StarClan? Does he think of me as a fox-heart?_

It's been a long time since she thought of her old friend, but staring down at Ashfur's lifeless body has her wondering about him. How different would her life be if Shrewpaw had survived? Would Ashfur had ever had the chance to terrorize her if she had been able to shelter in the comfort of her friend? What would his warrior name have been? Would he know what to say to explain this awful feeling inside of her? Her eyes drift to Brambleclaw, and she has an unhelpful thought. _Would Shrewpaw have believed me about Ashfur earlier? Could all this have been avoided?_

Squirrelflight is thrown from her thoughts as Leafpool brushes up against her, understanding the lack of grief, and the guilt surrounding that lack of grief. 

At least he wasn't a threat to their family anymore.

Even if she lost everything, and everyone thought her a liar and a cheat, she doesn't regret any decision. She would do everything over, a million times if StarClan demanded so. For her sister, for Hollyleaf, Jayfeather and Lionblaze. For her clan.

She would do it, because that's her duty. And she was nothing, if not a loyal warrior of ThunderClan.


End file.
